robyn – i smell like puke

some history

I have always been affected by my low self-esteem. Having that poor self-perception has always been a significant fraction of my life.  I have always had random spurts of throwing up since fifth grade, and it wasn’t until two months ago that it had become a continual and daily thing. A little over two months ago, I was rushed to my university’s urgent care, due to constant throwing up, diarrhea, and a low fever. The doctor informed me that she was incapable of helping because the office did not have the proper equipment to really get any proper diagnosis.he asked me to go to the emergency room and left me with a bunch of paper work. Because I had a midterm the next day, I was unable to go to the emergency room due to the obvious long hours of waiting. I stay at my friend’s house for one night, and I looked over those papers and saw my weight I realized that I had gained over the “Freshman 15,” since school had started. My visit to the Urgent Care became a huge wake up call, and from that day forward, I went to the university gym daily. I started burning 340-400 calories each day, which was roughly 30 to forty minutes on the elliptical. Those thirty to forty minutes quickly became fifty, sixty, eighty minutes as the days passed. I was burning around a minimum of 800 calories each day. In the beginning, I started with healthy three meals a day, but I began to recognize meals not for their nutritional value, but for their calories. Those calories just became more calories I needed to burn, so I decreased the amount of calories per meal but eating smaller portions. Even the decreased portions looked big, which followed eating close to nothing. If I did end up consuming anything, I would throw it back out because I viewed it as a “clean slate” or “back to zero” sort of thing. I confined my eating disorder to my suitemate and little did I know that she was also suffering from a similar eating disorder. She told me that she had been getting help from a psychologist on campus, so I scheduled an appointment with the psychologist the next day. I received one appointment with my psychologist, but because it was already nearing the end of the school year, I wasn’t able to get much help from the visit. However, she had asked me to receive a health checkup and the results noted that I had extremely low potassium levels, which is apparently a side effect from purging.

A month into my eating disorder, I met my boyfriend and my boyfriend is a foodie. In other words, he loves loves loves eating. It made me happy to see him eat, and I loved cooking for him too. Along with cooking comes tasting the food, and slowly my appetite grew. The number times of purging decreased significantly, and I would honestly give him the credit for it. In fact, there were even days where I did not throw up at all. School has ended, nevertheless, and I am back at home now with my family. I am not back to the daily routine of throwing up, limiting my daily intake, and I genuinely feel hopeless.

 

today’s daily entree

Today, I decided to go out for a change. I went to Tom’s Burger and ate some of sister’s carne asada fries. I didn’t want to throw up, so I walked to a nearby town center and went into Albertsons. I went in and realized that there was a bathroom. All the stalls were occupied however, but I just stayed and waited while looking at myself in the mirror. To be honest, I wasn’t satisfied with what I saw but I wasn’t not satisfied either. There were two stalls, and one of the ladies left, so I went in and just sat on the toilet. I just felt an uncontrollable urge to purge, so I just continued and acted on that craving. I always carry a couple pieces of candy now, because before I used to only purge at my dorm, but now, location doesn’t even matter. Carne asada fries are drier, so it hurt when I purged, so I had to stop. I was bothered by the fact that I couldn’t stop, but I knew that I shouldn’t continue to try.

In order to distract myself, I went next door to a Fashion Q. I shopped for a good thirty to forty minutes and got three pretty shirts. I was happy with my purchase and went to Albertsons again. The Albertson’s near my house has a Starbucks and so I order a Skinny Vanilla Latter Decaf Venti for my dad. My sister also wanted ice cream so I got her some coffee ice cream.

My mom also called so I had to tell her that I puked, and I honestly felt so shameful. I don’t really think my parents know what to do or what to say. When I first told my parents that I had an eating disorder, they took a day to digest the news and to learn more about it because apparently they had been unfamiliar with it. At this point, I don’t really think I expect them to help me because I know I need to stop on my own but it honestly is a daily struggle. I just lose control whenever I feel the urge.

Afterwards, I walked back home and played piano for a little bit. I didn’t enjoy it as much as usual so I stopped. I went upstairs and my dad called from downstairs, asking me to clean the kitchen and the bathrooms. I cleaned them last night, so cleaning them again today didn’t take that long. I went back upstairs afterwards and I decided that I wanted to do a face mask. I went the bathroom and felt this urge to finish throwing up, and just acted on it. I felt relieved and shameful at the same time. I came downstairs and opened this blog again, and here I am, smelling like puke, typing up today’s post, in hope that this will help me.

-6/22/2017 4:14PM

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